Hi dear, I know you are probably reading this right now, the reason why I start up this blog is mainly because of you.
I know you feel insecure about me going overseas and want to know every minute of my life overseas,
so I am blogging so that you'll get to know me and understand me better :)
Today when I got back from central Paris at 8pm, you told me that you've made up your mind dear,
and that you are not coming because you feel that I am not keeping my word.
I've decided that I wont be travelling out of France with anyone else (but I have 2 school trips within France)
regardless whether you are coming to Paris anot.
This is not a promise to you but rather a promise to myself, I dont feel that I will be losing out by not travelling,
but I'll treat these 20days of holiday as a time of reflection and self improvement.
I can do things on my own and alone & I believe that I can be independent because that's what I am here for.
That's what you reminded me about: the reason why I came for this trip, and I guess I have to rely on you less and solve my problems myself,
afterall they are MY problems.
It may seem hard at first for me, because I opened myself to you dear, I treat you like part of me, telling you everything I see, hear and feel, like how I see things to be.
I didn't realise that this will take a toll on you and ultimately our relationship.
To be honest, I feel that you dont care about me at times and even find me annoying,
like when we quarrel and when I am cold and put my hands inside your shirt.
It really hurts me at times, and when I try to tell you that, you disregard it because you feel that I hurt you too
and that why should you care about me so much when I repeatedly hurt you again and again?
What hurts me the most is that distance is not the only thing pulling us apart, time is against us too.
As time past, I realised you were no longer the Wayne I once knew, and you realised too that I was no longer the eliza you first knew, being for worse or for better.
I felt that you treated your friends much better than you treat me:
you went out with them till very late at night even when you have school the next day, but you disagree when I want to go out/ stay up with you late at night, and the thing about renee, and when we quarrel you really call me names & I remembered times whereby you called me a bitch and scold me with vulgaraties.
You promised to not scold me that anymore, but I think you do not remember that when you are angry
I know you probably get upset reading this paragraph but it is my true feelings and I hope you dont dismiss me, the way you do when we always quarrel and that makes me feel very small and insignificant, like I dont matter to you at all.
Regardless dear, I really love you and I treasure our relationship and I never regretted meeting you.
And I believe that I can save our relationship that's why Im starting this blog to keep you updated so that you wont have to worry about me :)
ok lets start with today! today is the 5th of Feb!
I remember I said to you the night before that I will not go out today.
And that's probably the reason why you are upset with me again today.
And as I try to recall what was the reason why I have to say that to you is because you would feel pissed off if I went out.
Ok let me tell you why you shouldnt feel pissed off:
1. I have studied hard yesterday, finished two chapters of finance, including the next chapter.
And you ask me if I have any other thing to study. ok strategy hasnt started not till tomorrow, french language course starting next week, empirical asset nothing to read up on for the moment, project finance is crappy, there's no notes no lesson content no nothing. I have finished everything that I am supposed to do so I feel that I should be rewarded and take the day off.
2. I dont restrict you going out with your friends at night even if you have school the next day.
If you can come back before at least 5 days a week (unless you have to help your parents) and the other 2 days by 10pm,
I can do that too. I guess you have to be fair right, if you don't want me to go out so often, you can't go out so often as well.
Love, maybe you see this as the selfish me trying to find excuses for myself.
But really, you are not giving me reasons for not letting me go out/ go abroad(which I have already given up on).
Last time when I was with you, you always had good reasons for asking me to do/ not do something.
Like the makeup, the contact lens, the sleeping early... and I did them, because you had a good reason behind it
Because you dont want people to have a poor impression of me & because you dont want me to be sickly when I am old.
All this I agree with you and I try to change and I think I still have lots to improve on but still I feel that I have made an improvement which I can say I am proud of and thankful for.
You have made me a better person, that's why I am holding on to us.
Love you need to tell me what's on your mind. I cannot decipher if you dont tell me,
dont tell me you dont want to be with me or want to breakup with me whenever we quarrel.
That is the easy way out. If you always choose that way, next time when you marry to someone will you always tell her "lets divorce" whenever you have a dispute?
I want to understand you better darling because sometimes I feel that the reasons behind your restrictions are because you don't want me to enjoy myself. But I really dont want to believe that, I know you have good reasons, and I want to know them.
Lastly, I don't need you to fly over to spend time with me, even though I would very much love you to come.
You sound very unwilling and I don't want to force you.
You are quite right because I kept my hopes up when you said on Thursday that you are going 100% all the way,
that you will do anything to come.
& you said a few days ago to me that "If u are not willing to give up everything , u already lost."
I am willing to give up everything for you love. the travelling. the exploring of new places.
remember the bones we saw stacked up underground in Paris that we saw in some documentary @ your house?
I was thinking about exploring it together.
I really hope that you can think twice about whether to come over.
I wanna drink with you like old times, while playing monodeal or poker cards. get high and cuddle in bed @ night
Remember last time when I study and Im stress, you would ask me to take a break and play monodeal with me! hehehe & when we drink you will play 5-10 with me!
But lately, we seldom drink anymore and we seldom play monodeal before I flew off.
isit because you have lost interest in me already?
I will tell xiaomeng and ningzhen to go ahead without me tomorrow, but it will be nice to hear a final confirmation from you before I tell them :)
Oh and my plans for tomorrow is that I will go to tabac after my class at 230 to top up my card with $35, each month if i pay $9 ill get unlimited 3G. & I probably head down to the post office to search for this valentine's day stamp!
& i bought post cards today again! so hopefully I can mail one out soon!
Need to know if the previous one reached you, scared the addresss I send is wrong! :D
I love you honey!
